It’s not even just an online problem, it’s a general problem in the world. I tagged it Dota 2 because I’m speaking to the Dota 2 community in particular, the community I work in, and the community where the incident occurred that encouraged me to write about this.
And I don’t agree with your position. If someone assaulted you physically you’d hardly say ‘it only hurts as much as you let it hurt’. Verbal assault is no different. We have just as much control over ‘deciding’ we’re hurt verbally as we do physically. It’s not the fault of someone who is hurt that they are hurt, it is the fault of the person doing the hurting. And yeah, it’s an uphill battle trying to eradicate the use of harmful slurs, but that isn’t a good reason not to at least TRY.